GOP Convention 2008: Final Remarks For Now

GOP Convention 2008, Minneapolis, MN:

The executive in charge of the event told the vendors that their concerns "felt personal." She went on, "If any of you don't like it, you can leave!" Then turning on her heal she huffed away leaving a crowd of stunned, open mouthed vendors.

Booth fees started at $2,500. Expensive. Yet the was barely advertised. No one showed up. Many of the delegates told us they hadn't even heard about the until late in the week.

Bizarrely, the event promoters put up an enormous memorabilia store between us and the exhibits. The store was as big as a castle. Huge walls were surrounded it blocking us off from the visitors. And visitors rarely ventured beyond it.

By Wednesday, the anger had reached a boiling point. Vendors flew to the local media with information about an incompetence so thorough and complete it could be fraud.

You might ask how such an easy win as selling to delegates desperate for tourist trinkets and a local crowd eager to participate in history could be kept AWAY from such an event. But somehow, someone screwed up.

Several of the vendors took out bank loans to purchase product in anticipation of the usual 150,000 person attendance. With little advertising and a huge entrance fee (even just to get into the marketplace), the crowds never materialized. Did 10,000 show up? Eventually, the promoter threw away the entrance fee. By then it was too late. Too late for visitors. Too late for sales. Some of the vendors may now go bankrupt.

Epic fail. What the hell happened? At every level, who's to blame?

The pastor from Texas needs to know.

GOP Convention 2008: Soft Shoe to Dixie and Beyond

GOP Convention 2008, Minneapolis, MN:

A 90 year old man has just flown through the air past my girlfriend, his tap clips taking flight behind him like like silver swallows leaving the scene of a crime.

Someone once said that Dixie Jazz is the only jazz you can't dance to. Tell that to the 90 year old guy here soft-shoeing into my heart and careening into the vendor booth next to ours.

On the first day a Dixie Jazz band played here and there. They were usually off in the distance. "Land of Dixie" wafted over the empty aisles. The sound of it kept us company. What else would?

As the day wore on the Dixie band following some indecipherable navigational algorithm and came close by. A man in their group took up dancing to one tune and lost his balance and went flying into a booth.

I didn't see him fall. But he emerged a bit worse for wear to the weary relief of the audience. He hasn't been been with the band since that day. Maybe that old tapper tapped his last.

Gustav was a no-show. McCain is back in town. They're practically begging for people to attend this event.

Gov. Palin may have had the fastest rise and fall of any politician in modern history. In three days her 17 yr. old unwed daughter got pregnant TWICE, the Gov got caught forcing a state trooper to loose his job because he divorced her sister, and she got caught lying about her own pregnancy. I'd hate to be McCain right now.

Eveyone here it seems has a Southern accent. It strikes me that without the South, the Republicans have nothing. And then it strikes me that neither McCain nor Palin live in Dixie.

Somewhere the band plays "Land of Dixie" a little more; but there's no dancing anymore.

GOP Convention 2008: CS Monitor: The CS Stands for 'Cunning Stunts.'

GOP Convention 2008, Minneapolis, MN:

CS Monitor had a reputation for being non partisan back in the 80s and 90s. I'm told before then as well. Things have gone South since then. And by South, I mean conservative.

Check out this short article to see what I mean.

(If you can't see the bias, scroll to the bottom of this blog entry, please)

This article extensively quotes an individual named Susan MacManus. The article says that Susan MacManus is a a non-partisan "political scientist" from Florida. She's actually a highly partisan Republican who's job it is to snooker the mainstream media at events like these.

A 10 second Google search on the term "Susan MacManus" yielded this short article explaining who this person really truly is.

The alternative explanation is that Linda Feldman, the writer was also trying to snooker us. The alternative alternative explanation to that is that CS Monitor is also trying to snooker us.

You are an idiot.

GOP Convention 2008: Republicans Screwing Other Republicans

GOP Convention 2008, Minneapolis, MN:

The event site was a ghost town tonight. There are no customers. Even some of the vendors have abandoned their booths.

They're not just gone. They gone crazy. The vendors are furious with the convention sponsor and there's talk of a class-action lawsuit.

2500 bucks a booth and the event sponsor still tries to charge a family 10 bucks for each child to get in. Bravo, idiots. For what? For the privilege of seeing the stuff we want to sell them? Cab fare from the airport hotel is 30 bucks. "Please take my money! Twice!"

If anyone tries to tell you that we're slow because of the Hurricane down south. Don't believe it. The only people who have left the convention are McCain, and Anderson Cooper. I guess it's better to be knee deep in surge instead of neck deep in bullshit.

John McCain's running mate is a politician who opposes teaching teenagers to use birth control.

This same running mate has just announced that her 17 year-old-still-in-high-school daughter is unexpectedly pregnant.

Please allow me to REPEAT THAT IN ALL CAPS:

JOHN MCCAIN'S RUNNING MATE IS A POLITICIAN WHO OPPOSES TEACHING TEENAGERS TO USE BIRTH CONTROL.

THIS SAME RUNNING MATE HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT HER 17-YEAR-OLD-STILL-IN-HIGH-SCHOOL UNMARRIED DAUGHTER IS UNEXPECTEDLY PREGNANT.

Ummmm... at a loss for words here.

Yeah. I know it's great that her daughter isn't aborting the baby. That's the "silver lining" for you. Fine. Who cares.

Well what if I took over the country and made everyone slaves in my coast-to-coast gulag workcamp? Would your response be, "Well at least we don't have to cook for ourselves anymore!" The silver lining is irrelevant. I know it. You know it.

The point being made is that conservative values don't work in the real world.

And this will be held up as an example for years to come.

Did I mention earlier that most of the vendors at this event are Republicans?

Republicans are screwing other Republicans in every way imaginable.

GOP Convention 2008: Log Cabins Educate the Ladies

GOP Convention 2008, Minneapolis, MN:

Day 3:

Bitter basement church ladies aren't buying a damn thing. To be fair they are not all bitter. But they clutch their collars a little tighter as they slink by.

The Sikhs across the way seem to fairing better. A bunch of turban-headed men doing brisk business selling software at a Republican National convention is not the strangest thing I've seen here.

Nevertheless, we ain't selling a damn thing. This event is a total and complete FLOP for all concerned.

We were promised 150,000 visitors. I'd be surprised if we see half that.

The actual numbers in the first 3 days are abysmal.

There's suppose to be 300 vendors. Is there half that here?

No one's buying anything.

All is lost.

But a glimmer of hope! The Log Cabin Republicans are here and plain looking curious college girls stealthily sneak up to steal a brochure when no one's looking. The Born-Agains mumble to us, "Frankly we don't need 'em." But it hasn't come yet to fisticuffs. Other visibly ignorant delegates saunter past, ask the question get the answer and say and "Oh... that's.... ..... .... nice." And then walk away flushed. This happens two dozen times.

What a terrible way to find out what a Log Cabin Republican is... for a Republican.

They've got a tough ho to row. And so do we. Like I said, we ain't selling a damn thing.

GOP Convention 2008: Working the Convention

GOP Convention 2008, Minneapolis, MN:

Day 1:
There's a life-size cardboard cutout of John McCain across the aisle. No one wants their picture taken with him. I shit you not.

I'm at a convention-like commercial event attached to the Republican National Convention.

Next to McCain there's a life-sized Barack Obama cutout. Children run up to the Obama cutout, pose ramrod straight and smile even before their parent's can get out their cameras out. Soccer moms beam brighter than Obama's thousand-watt smile as they surreptiously sidle up to him. This is a Republican event. What the hell is going on?

Wait! McCain has his fans. Er fan. A few pose right between the two men. But so far it's four families for the ebullient Obama, 1 middle aged woman for McCain. She could be a Hillary supporter.

The cardbard cutout McCain looks sternly at the viewer. He might be going for gravitas; but instead he just looks like a bird shit on his head. He ain't happy with the situation.

It also doesn't help that McCain is diminutive and frumpy and Obama is as tall and dapper. Are these guys even runing for the same office? McCain looks like a alcoholic grandpa stuck on vacation with his excitable and photo-crazy wife: "Take the damn picture already, Rose."

Obama looks like he's about to ballroom dance.

It costs 15 bucks to get in the door. Children cost 10. So either these Obama fans are totally lost and flush with money, or some Republicans will be voting Democrat. Crazy, I know.

Day 2:

They have more Presidents today. Cardbard cutouts. Life sized. Reagan, the Hollywood cowboy leans against a rail since yesterday though. You can almost see the straw hanging out of his mouth. But no one seems to notice him. Its like he's not even there. He's far away from the other presidents.

A life-sized George H. W. Bush is now present. And a second McCain figure is here too. So here's the tally: 1 Reagan, 1 Bush, 1 Obama, and 2 McCains. Both McCains look like they're gonna punch someone. Rose better snap that picture quick.

Now Bush is getting pictures taken.

I'm beginning to feel sorry for McCain: When we got here this morning a small plush elephant was mounted mischieviously on his head. Whoever did it meant well, I'm sure. But it didn't soften his image, it just made him look he was angry that a damned elephant was put on his head.